Difference doesn’t have to be scary.

We step into committed relationships unknowingly believing to have found the relationship that will keep us feeling happy and secure. There is nothing like the excitement of feeling loved and the joy of giving it. But as relationships enter into their seventh, fifteenth, twentieth year… you start feeling a bit tired of the “old patterns”. You wake up to realize that the connection is lacking, the communication is short and perhaps the conflict is getting old or uncomfortable. What if I told you this was the case in most marriages… that it’s quite normal to need help to reconnect? What if counseling could slow down the conflicts, better your communication and increase your connection?

There is hope for reconnection.

Your relationship doesn’t hinge on if you have problems or not. Those will come. It does hinge on your bravery, to stay curious and receive help when those problems come up.

Couples often come in feeling like they’ve been having the same conflict over and over. Maybe the subject of the conflict changes, but the pattern is the same. You both try hard to be understood, to arrive at an understanding, but the conflict never fully resolves and you’re right back in the same conversation again.

How will we ever change?

Maybe you’re wondering…

How Counseling Can Help

All relationships have a conflict cycle. The first step toward change is to understand this cycle. Did you know we often fight because we want security in our relationships? We withdrawal in fights because we want to keep the peace and preserve the relationship, or we get louder and demanding because we want so desperately to experience change so that the relationship can be lasting and fulfilling.
Together we will work through examples of your conflict to help you both begin to understand what’s going on “behind the scenes” in these arguments. It’s the cycle of conflict that is your enemy, not each other. When you can name and understand the cycle, you can speak to it, slow it down and try out a more effective way of communicating.
It’s normal to experience frustration, differences and some level of conflict in a relationship. Healthy relationships aren’t ones that have zero conflict. They are the relationships in which the couple is committed to repair and share after the conflict. I want to help you both create a safe, trusting space in your relationship in which you can own up to how you have both played a role in the conflict. A safe space also offers you the freedom to share the ways in which you were hurt by your partner. We will work on learning how to share your experience and hear your partner’s experience without it leading to conflict.
It would be nice if we could read each other’s mind, but it’s not realistic. And it may be easier if we believed the same things about how marriages, families and relationships “should work” but that just won’t happen. You both came from different family cultures, learning very different things about how this relationship should work. Part of what therapy can do for you both is to help you grow in knowledge about what you need in relationship as well as how the past influences the way you operate in your current relationship. When we learn more about our own stories it gives us the opportunity to become relationally healthier. And as we learn about our partner’s stories, we will feel more drawn to giving compassion, curiosity and grace.
Lastly, you all will begin the work of taking all your new insight and practice in therapy sessions, to begin to respond differently to one another between sessions. To change the conflict cycle, to engage in repair and sharing, and to work towards your own growth while giving your partner space to work towards theirs is a practice. As you practice the new way of communicating and connecting, we will celebrate your growth together.

It’s natural to want to have a “game plan”. The cycle to the left shows you how I perceive couples therapy to work. I use Emotion Focused Therapy to accomplish this cycle of change. Read below to understand more about the process.

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