Seen. Known. Enjoyed.
“The greatest gift my mom ever gave me when I was struggling with my own anxiety as a senior in high school, was to find someone who did understand.” — Rebecca
They want to be...
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Understood
How many times have you heard, "You don't understand!" Maybe you've witnessed their shut-down when you've tried to understand what's going on. Though it may seem like they are pushing you away, they are longing to be understood. If you know something is going on, but you can't get down to the bottom of it, counseling may help bridge that gap. If your teen is in a space where they are sharing, but you feel out of your depth that's okay too. Parents cannot possibly be the expert on everything. The greatest gift my mom gave me as a teen when I was struggling with anxiety and depression was getting me to someone who I felt understood me and could make sense of things.
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Enjoyed
Remember the days when they would get your attention with "watch this, watch this"? They loved and accepted your praises and applause with smiles on their faces. Eventually they started looking for that approval in their achievements, peers and in dating relationships. It's hard to reach middle school without experiencing some form of rejection or self doubt. It can feel scary to see their confidence dim. You long to see them know their self-worth, but all of your efforts to encourage seem to fall on deaf ears. Counseling can help you come up with creative ways to support their confidence. It also provides them a safe relationship in which we can explore their strengths and work towards healing their negative self beliefs.
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Helped
I've been surprised at how many teens in recent years have come into therapy because they themselves asked to get counseling. Even when they don't ask, if life is feeling miserable to them, they likely want help. I want counseling to be a space where they are understood but also where they develop emotional intelligence, coping tools and social skills so that they can feel better. Parent check-ins at the end of sessions can help me to monitor if the coping skills we are working on are helping. If you have a middle schooler, they may need some coaching, so sharing the coping skills with you may be an important part of their therapy.
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Confident
It's hard to imagine (or maybe easy if it's been a rough patch), but they are set to launch into young adulthood. A passion of mine is that teens would launch into college or young adult life feeling confident in their own ability to navigate what life throws at them. Especially in the last few years of high school it's imperative that they begin to think for themselves, be able to share their feelings and needs within relationships, and know their strengths. Counseling can not only help them to practice sharing their own beliefs, thoughts, needs and feelings, it can also help them begin to think through their values and goals for life.
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Accepted
In the age of social media, teens have more pressure to live up to a certain image than we ever did. It's a natural developmental process to begin to look towards peers for acceptance. Teens often feel that they need to share the highlights and mask the bad. This need to always present the picturesque can lead to intense self-expectations, overwhelm and isolation. If they can't share the darker parts in safe peer relationships, then who are they sharing it with? Teens need healthy relationships in which they can expose the darker parts (the sad, the stressed the anxious parts). In my office, I want acceptance to run deep. I like to tell my students that they are no more worthy from the first day they walk in to the last day they graduate from therapy. Acceptance really happens when someone can sit with both our highlights and struggles.
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Hopeful
There is more pressure today on student's future than there ever has been before. Through technology growth, they have more influence than any generation before. There's a lot of messaging out their informing them of what a good life would look like. So much, that I imagine it feels scary to live up to and sometimes unattainable. Many of the teens I see need hope that they can have a good future, but we have to reorient what a good future is. What if they left for college knowing who they are, and out of that they sought to share with the world their gifts rather than live up to an ideal? I work from a strengths based approach. Alongside learning coping skills, we will learn their strengths so that they can feel hopeful in navigating the future.
Parent Coaching
“Our stories of worthiness—of being enough—begin in our first families.” “When it comes to our sense of love, belonging, and worthiness, we are most radically shaped by our families of origin—what we hear, what we are told, and perhaps most importantly, how we observe our parents engaging with the world.”
- Brene’ Brown, Daring Greatly
We are ALL imperfect; there is no such thing as a perfect parent. (And also, if you’re here looking to get your teen help… you are already seeking to be a good parent.) The questions are, are we engaged? Are we learning and staying curious to how our own lives, words, ways of handling our emotions and our teen’s emotions are affecting our kids? Your child coming to therapy could create change for them, but what if you participating helped create lasting change for them? Joining in the process can help increase your connection with your teenager. Part of being a good parent isn’t just imparting all the wisdom so that they turn out to be a successful adult — it’s creating the connection, so that when they face hardship they have a safe relationship to fall back into to be reminded of their worth.
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Middle Schoolers: If you are a parent of a middle schooler, you'll likely drive your child to therapy. Make the time to have the parent check-in at the end. At this age they need some coaching at home, and you can learn the coping skills with them. Then commit when you can to help them practice what they are learning.
High Schoolers: As a parent of a high school student it's important that they feel therapy is their space. Check-ins are always done for safety concerns. Outside of this, you can create the invitation for them to share. This may sound like, "Hey if you are ever needing to process what your learning in therapy, I'm here."
We are all products of our nature and nurture. It's just natural that our family dynamics influence who we are. It would be an absolute gift to your child if you can humbly be willing to learn how you affect them. That may sound like, "Are there any things I can do differently to help you?" "Is there anything you need from us as a family right now?"
Lastly encouragement is always a win for any student. "I'm really proud of you for doing therapy. It's brave, and I love that you are courageous enough to learn about yourself." There's an old saying that for everyone one correction we need ten positive statements. Change is hard, so as they are working hard, the more encouragement you can give the better.
How can you join in?
Keeping it real….
Teenagers are smart. They know when people are bluffing and they know when someone isn’t authentic. When it’s done appropriately, they need to know that we burn pies, learn to control our emotions and fail too. In my office I will have a focus on helping your teen by helping them to develop positive ways of coping, but I also want to help them tell their whole story. I want them to know that to struggle is to be human and that neither their accomplishments nor their struggles have to define all of who they are.
